The Process Of Moving ON
Do we eat food that is tasteless and doesn’t have any nutrients? Surely not! A conscious person does things with reasons. Is it possible to apply this to our minds? To NOT THINK of those things which we already know are useless?
We all know that the human mind is very intelligent. If we are thinking about something, there has to be a genuine reason for it. Let’s apply this argument to regret and try to find out why our mind regrets something that happened in the past even though that may not help with anything.
Image From Pexels.com
Regrets can be relationship sorrows, that is, losing a friend, business partner, life partner, or any close relative, missing a chance to earn big money, cursing ourselves for taking the wrong decision which leads to a bad outcome, losing a sports competition or gold medal. For the sake of easier understanding, let’s categorize regrets into two types. Regrets for an unchangeable outcome and Regrets for a changeable outcome.
Regrets For An Un-Changeable Outcome
Certain outcomes of the past are not changeable no matter what you do. And no matter how hard you try, their effect stays with you forever. For example, a woodcutter cuts his leg while he is cutting a tree. Thinking about this mistake, again and again, doesn’t bring his leg back. Such an incident is unbearable and it’s understandable why the outcome is unacceptable. During this kind of situation, some people go into denial. Of course, the person understands his reality but in his mental landscape, the tragedy is not acceptable.
This man will regret the incident and would conjure all sorts of scenarios that would have prevented his legs from being cut. Maybe he would wish he had never gotten that job, or maybe he would wish he had not gone to his job that day. Or maybe he would wish that he had been more careful. How do people overcome those regrets whose outcomes are irreversible?
The human mind is very strong and elastic at the same time. One can stretch this mind to any level by choice or by force due to an unwanted situation. It learns to adjust itself accordingly. When the woodcutter opens his eyes in the hospital, at first glance he might smile but as soon as he realizes that he doesn’t have a leg, he may break into tears, scream, shout and probably react very strongly to people around him. He would definitely not be ready to accept the reality. To overcome such regrets, the only way is to accept the cruel reality. It might take some time, but it is possible. The time required to accept the new reality depends on the tragedy and how big the loss is. Secondly, it also depends on the person and their willingness to accept their new situation.
Meet the same woodcutter after 5 years and you will never notice that he is handicapped until you see him walking. The human mind is strong by nature and one can experience elasticity of mind when they face any adverse situation.
Regrets For A Changeable Outcome
Our mind pictures and constructs a future life according to what we already have and what we are expecting to get. It imagines sources of happiness such as success, fame, the right person, material wealth, health, other desires, etc. For example, a boy gets into a relationship. Soon, after spending some time with his partner, his mind will construct a beautiful future life with them. Similarly, a sportsman might expect tons of fame and success just by winning the final. A well-settled businessman has a car and house already and might expect to have so many more things in the future.
Practically and physically, we can only live in the present but our future life, which is just an imagination, is our source of motivation. It gives us positive energy in life. That’s why most of the time we try to picture a better imaginary world compared to our real world, to feel more motivated. A boy in a relationship, a businessman in his wealth, and a sportsman in-game enjoy happiness, success, and fame and at the same time, they have expectations from these sources. How do they regret losing these sources? And how do people overcome such regrets?
Regrets on changeable outcomes happen because of two reasons; the first reason is understandable because they are dependent on those sources for happiness, and quite obviously regret may arise after losing them. This kind of regret is normal and people overcome such regrets as soon as their situation changes. For instance, the boy may regret losing his previous partner until he gets settled with another partner.
Secondly, some people regret it because they can no longer connect with their imaginary world which was the source of motivation – like the sportsman might have a well-settled life, but if he couldn’t win the final he may regret it because his future is not according to what he was expecting.
Some people are emotionally strong. They can easily pass the tough periods of time. They can not only hide their feelings from others but can also sometimes convince themselves that they are fine with the outcome. And it’s true that they are mostly fine. Why? Because of two reasons. First, they very quickly settle with the outcome or accept the unwanted and unfavorable situation. For example, the sportsman might overcome the regret by thinking that he has enjoyed the game and losing is part of it. Secondly, because of their confidence; they don’t need to regret it because they believe they can change the outcome with a better one.
For example, it’s easy for a successful businessman to not regret what he lost because he knows he will recover from the loss. Or, even if he regrets it for a while he will overcome his regret as soon as he earns more money. A sportsman may overcome his regret by winning the next game or he may accept that losing is part of the game.
Regrets for a changeable outcome are probably good; they demand a person to act and change the situation. For example, the regret about getting low grades helps students to work hard and perform better in the next exams.
Secondly, it brings maturity or we can say that it’s a sign of maturity; for instance, a person in a relationship may take care of his partner more after learning from a previous relationship.
These regrets are probably good because they force people to change their situation and adopt more responsibility. However, if the situation takes a long time to change, then a person might begin to blame and curse.
The Smart Way Of Thinking About Past
There are two ways of thinking about the past: one is easy but bad, another is hard but useful.
When it comes to regrets, the easy way is to blame yourself or someone else for the bad outcome. This way is very harsh because it gives rise to feelings of disgust and anger. So, it’s definitely not a healthy way of thinking.
The second way is to think about the incident and yourself as your subject of study. It’s hard and it’s surely not possible in the beginning when you’re still feeling shocked. But it’s a very helpful approach to see everything very clearly in an unbiased manner.
The human mind is very intelligent and curious at the same time. If you choose the second way, you will discover useful facts about yourself. You will realize how you react in different situations. This will enhance your knowledge about yourself. You will also discover the different ways of perceiving any given incident. Once you get there, your mind will feel relief because your curiosity towards knowledge and experience is much stronger than any sorrow you might feel over something which doesn’t make any sense. The moment you get some understanding from the past, your mind will begin to move on. Moving on is a process and it can’t be taught. It can only be learned when a person adopts the right strategy.
Beautiful Piece Of Advice
Have you ever played a game in which your character is moving up with time and trying to make his way and saving himself by jumping over obstacles and at the same time getting something to increase his power?
Probably the moving on becomes easy if we think that life happens in a vertical direction, not horizontal. When we were kids, we had fun and also learned a lot during that time which is helping us now. But it’s not possible to go back to our childhood to repeat good or bad events.
There are many things around us that can be sources of our entertainment which we couldn’t enjoy before and perhaps we will not be able to enjoy later. The joy and fun which we can probably enjoy today may not come again. At the same time, we now have different challenges and problems to solve at this age which we never thought to face.
We are going up with age in life and we are not supposed to miss any opportunity which we name joy and fun. If you are looking down (back) you will miss many things that could add to your life in a positive way and there is a chance that accidentally, you will add some more bad events to your life. Eventually, you will begin to regret them too.
Talk To Your-self (Affirmation)
It’s important to talk to yourself from time to time as you would talk to a friend in their time of need. When your friend feels demotivated or regrets something about their past, you would probably have kind words to say to them. You would most definitely console them and be there for them. You need to do the same for yourself as well.
Every now and then, you can sit quietly and have an internal dialogue with yourself. This will not only provide you with clarity but will also help solve unresolved issues in your psyche. You will end up feeling a lot lighter and more motivated to live life in general. It is a pity that most people are not able to do this because of their hectic schedules. However, you need to make sure you find the time to do this. So, what exactly can you say to yourself? Well, the sky is the limit.
You could say things like, “Life is giving me many things and at the same time, it takes away some things. I am here to accept this reality. Life goes on. It never waits for anybody. Everyone faces difficult times. I am not the last neither the first one to face hard times. I lost my imaginary world but I am here to accept it open-heartedly. I don’t feel any shame and I don’t want to blame or curse anyone not because I can’t but because I don’t like it. In fact, it’s not my concern anymore. I do regret what happened and surely I wish for a better outcome. I feel sorry because I am human just like everyone else. But it was one incident and it is just a part of my life, not the whole life. I will use that as an opportunity to rise higher and make myself into a better person. I will enjoy my life with what I have and I will never hesitate to work hard because I know I can change my situation whenever I want. My life is important to me. I have had a lot of fun already and there is surely much more waiting for me. Hakuna Matata!
